Stop Telling Kids To Apologize
This works better...
While often well-intended, forcing kids to say sorry can be counterproductive, making them less likely to feel genuine remorse.
Why does this happen?
Forced apologies fail because:
Lack of Understanding: Forced apologies can be superficial, with the child not fully grasping why their behavior was wrong.
Inauthentic Remorse: When pushed, children might apologize just to avoid consequences, not out of genuine regret.
Missed Learning Opportunity: Simply saying "sorry" without reflection bypasses a chance to develop empathy and understand others' feelings.
Resentment Buildup: Children might feel resentful for being coerced into apologizing, potentially leading to further negative behaviors.
Diminished Value of "Sorry": Over time, the word loses its meaning when used insincerely, making genuine apologies harder to recognize or offer.
You might be wondering...what can I do instead?
#1 - Focus on feelings.
Instead of forcing an apology, engage in a feelings-focused conversation and encourage perspective-taking. Ask: "How do you think they felt when that happened?" Questions like this promote self-awareness and encourage children to tap into empathy, understanding the emotional consequences and impact of their actions.
#2 - Model empathy.
Children learn by example. Show empathy in your actions and in your words. When they witness you apologizing sincerely and taking responsibility for your actions, they not only learn the value of a genuine apology, but also grasp the essence of authenticity and responsibility in relationships.
"Children learn more from what you are than what you teach." – W.E.B. Dubois
#3 - Use restorative practices.
Instead of 'say sorry,' ask: "What can you do to make it right?" This approach shifts the focus from mere words to meaningful actions. It teaches problem-solving, encourages reparative behavior, and instills a sense of genuine accountability in children, promoting long-term understanding and growth.
#4 - Celebrate sincere apologies.
When children apologize on their own, acknowledge their growth & maturity. Praise their self-awareness and ability to recognize their mistakes. Celebrating these moments reinforces the importance of genuine remorse and helps them understand that taking responsibility is a sign of strength and character, leading to deeper, more authentic relationships in the future.
#5 - Be patient.
Developing empathy is a journey. Be patient and consistent in guiding children towards understanding and authentic connections. Each child's pace may differ, but with gentle encouragement and nurturing, they can internalize these values. Remember, it's not about perfection, but progress, fostering a foundation of trust & emotional intelligence that lasts a lifetime.
By fostering true empathy, we raise children capable of building strong, genuine relationships.
Looking for more support raising resilient, emotionally-intelligent children?
Check out The Calm Kid Bundle (PDF), over 200 pages of social-emotional learning tools designed to help children learn and practice mindfulness, positive self-talk, coping skills, conflict resolution, and MORE.
Start instilling empathy and a growth mindset in your children today for only $34.99. Use code CALM20 for 20% off!